A Cinderella story with a big dose of reality

After being married 3 years, I have to say it hasn't turned out to be what I imagined it would be.

I wonder if young people today are really prepared to share their lives with a person forever. Us girls dream of marriage as a romantic comedy but after the big day, we are hit with a big dose of reality. Here’s what it was for me and how my Cinderella syndrome was shattered.

My husband and I had a really rough start. I often felt like our life was a tv drama. We met at his church, where I was helping with their Christmas presentation.

 What Cinderella thought

See those movies where you see 2 people running in a field? Yeah I'm allergic to hay, but I always thought that when you met the love of your life, that’s the feeling that you would have. Don't get me wrong, I've seen my parents fight and all, but still the romance was always there and I guess I only focused on that. I'm a hardcore hopeless romantic.

I thought it would only be romance: him buying me flowers, writing me poems, surprising me, etc, like I saw my dad do to my mom. We would fight, but then immediately be ok because we loved each other so much.

What Reality taught

When we started dating, my grandmother had just been diagnosed with cancer. We were only dating for 3 months when my cousin died in a motorcycle accident. I was devastated and I guess that day I lost a part of myself I never quite got back. For my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time), it was hard to have known me always smiling and then crying for a long time and not talking too much. It became a problem in our Relationship, but there was nothing I could do to fix it, I was grieving and needed time. After a while, he understood and was very supportive. At the same exact time, my husband's brother went through a rough divorce.3 months after losing my cousin; my grandmother lost her fight to cancer. You know, you see someone sick, you see them deteriorate, but not one second do you believe they could die! I always thought that she would get better, that God would heal her. But it didn't happen. One of the last things my grandmother said before she entered the palliative care was how sad she was that she wouldn’t get to see my wedding. It was really hard getting married without her or my cousin there. Both of them would light up a room when they got to a party.

On top of all that grief, I still had to let someone I had just started dating try to get to know me and vice versa. Through it all, it seems like love was stronger than grief and we pulled through but I didn't have that feeling of being in heaven for long.

I've also come to learn that my husband is not the romantic type. He doesn't shower me with flowers or gifts or love letters; he asks me what I want as a surprise gift... He's more of a "what can I fix, what can I do" type of guy. He'll make sure I'm warm in winter, I'm not hungry, get the garbage out, he will defend me with his life if someone tries to hurt me. Those are really good qualities. But it's not what Cinderella thought it would be. What reality is trying to teach me is, in the end, would I rather have a good winter coat or nice flowers? Those are choices I guess Cinderella has to think about.

Then, there was the proposal. 

What Cinderella thought

In AAAAAAAAALL the romantic or Disney movies you have ever seen, the proposal is the most magical thing ever. Even on YouTube now, you see guys doing crazy huge proposals. One thing they all have in common is that the girl seems to have had no idea it was going to happen. I thought that was a rule. The girl can't know in advance that she's getting engaged, it MUST be a surprise! Right?

What Reality taught

All I know is that we were talking about my husband starting his business. I started writing a plan and prices, and all of a sudden, he started talking about getting married. It's like my head completely turned upside down. I knew I wanted to get married to him, but I wasn't thinking about it at that point. All of a sudden we started planning... we were in November and were already thinking about the following September. So obviously I started dreaming about the proposal... But it's like he started talking about it but wasn't completely ready. So when January came around and I saw that the "Let's get married" show was coming I was like well I'd like to go since we're getting married that year... but I wasn't engaged! He managed to convince me to go anyway, so I went, but it didn't feel good... At all... It was so awkward because ALL the vendors were asking me or him "so! How did he propose?" I felt very sad because I wanted to have a story to tell. Instead it felt like I was getting ahead of myself or forcing something. It was awful. I don't think I used anything I got from that salon to plan my wedding.

He finally proposed at the end of January, and I saw it coming 5 miles away because he was so nervous he was about to have a heart attack. I also had already seen the ring because we had gone ring shopping the weeks prior. It was intimate, felt good and what he said was very nice and heartfelt, but it wasn't what Cinderella thought it would be.

Would a big musical production change his feelings about wanting to get married? No, and that's what Cinderella should remember.

Then came the wedding

What Cinderella thought

Coming to America. Lisa's wedding. Period.

What Reality taught

I did have a really nice wedding. The only thing I didn't think about was the fact that family becomes crazy when you prepare a wedding!

I knew that there would be a lot of people at our wedding, but we still wanted to have a feeling of intimacy, by first KNOWING all of our guests... that didn't fly with my mother. I really love what they said in the movie "Our family wedding": Our marriage... their wedding. That's exactly what happened.  But I have to say that apart from that and a bipolar chef at our reception hall, everything went pretty well. So Cinderella is happy with that!

The "they lived happily ever after" part

What Cinderella thought

The honeymoon phase would last a long time; or at least 1 year.

Being happy and having children was never a question for me after the "I do's". I grew up in a happy home and my parents had me and my sisters pretty young, so I never thought it would be different for me. I have to say, I thought I'd be a mom after being married 3 years and have at least two little ones running around.

What Reality taught

It hasn't happen yet. I guess God is not done "making us" one so we can raise children in unity. That is a point that is hard for me to accept. I'm going to be 30 in a few weeks and, even if I know I'm not that old, my clock is not ticking, it's pounding; and the thought is always on my mind. I wish this would be the case for my husband too, but being the practical person he is, he wants to be sure we're totally ready for kids to come; especially financially. I can appreciate that, but I’m thinking that we'll never be completely ready for that! I hear you need 2 Million dollars to raise a kid nowadays... it's funny that we had the kids talk before getting married but we never put a time stamp on it. I Wonder what his answer would have been if I had asked him WHEN he wanted kids instead of IF.

The honeymoon didn't last long. Our "should be in a drama" life continued after the wedding: car accidents, our pastor passing away, our car caught on fire, buying a new car, have it vandalized, buying new winter tires, getting them stolen, having renters deciding they don't have to pay us anymore, being in debt, my husband's grandmother passing, fighting, family drama, etc.

Conclusion

Through it all, we are still here, struck down but not destroyed. But it feels like we had very few true happy moments. Is married life supposed to be so difficult? Are we going through everything we should go through in the beginning so we can have it nice after? I have no doubts that my husband is the man God created for me and I wouldn't trade our marriage for anything. And after EVERYTHING we've been through, we will be able to face anything together. I guess I'm just wondering when the honeymoon is going to start! Or is this married life and I just have to hold on to short days of sun throughout the tornados?  What makes a marriage work through hardships? For me, having a good support group with other couples really helped. I got the idea from Tyler Perry's movie "Why did I get married". We haven't been to luxury retreats yet but it's in the books! Prayer and consulting when I feel overwhelmed helped me a lot too.

What about you?

Are we too hard on our men? Are Cinderella's expectations too high? Should we just accept what our men do for us and not ask for more? What are your Cinderella expectations?